Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A Letter to M.S. On the Occasion of His Coming To His Majority

Whither your strumpets now? Alas, that you had not previously heeded my none-too-anxious warnings and divested yourself of some tentatively objectionable pastimes. Nevertheless, there is hope that in the abandonment of certain indiscretions, you might find that there are sundry ways by which your interests might be adapted to more suitable venture. I speak, of course, of Tillingsley & Barlock's offer to you, late withdrawn. But I have it on good authority (a certain gentleman of mutual acquaintance who you will no doubt recognize by his moniker "X.J. III"), that aforementioned offer just might be recognized afresh were you to adopt the proper attitude.

I have spoken to Titsy about it and she greeted it with aplomb. I believe her exact words (inasmuch as exactitude is achievable - I reference our dialogues from June past quarter), were (and of course this is Titsy's idiom, and not the author's) "Swivens! Our well-beloved young friend were daft not to place his boot into that Heaper!"

Monsieur V_____ of St. B_____ was also in favor, though he expressed some reservations, notably attached to your prediliction for pecadillos, which had caused him certain uneasiness in regard to the Chives Affair, a matter which, I am sure, you would find agreeable no less than I, who am, of course, a fair disinterested party, being affected in no small way and yet free of pecuniary interest. Nevertheless, I assured Monsieur V_____ that in no way was there a contingent tendency on your part toward those less affectionate among the said items, but rather, when raw probability is consulted (as it must be, unless one were to adopt fortune against all natural sciences), any situation proferred to you would be no less a grievance than if your proper stipend were withdrawn at the pleasure of those agents of Dwilsler Street (who might gain by the mischance).

Respectfully yours,

I am,

Euclid Araneus Percival, Jr, (S.P.T.)
Chaplain, Royal Society of Brest
Order of Penumbrious Termitians
Argsdyle, Battlecock 577
12 Dongsly

1 comment:

Miguel Cuthbert said...

This sitaution is eerily reminscent of the dilemna posed in Scott's Rob Roy. I hope M.S. shall reconsider the situation. It is my firm belief that patience shall lead to higher honors than impertinence. Yet one man's collar is another man's noose.

Ambrose Pym, K.B.E.