Nikki Giovanni Control Now!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS LIKELY OFFENSIVE, BUT CERTAINLY NO LESS OFFENSIVE THAN NIKKI GIOVANNI'S USE OF THE VIRGINIA TECH MEMORIAL SERVICE AS A PLATFORM TO PITCH HER TIRED LEFTIST RHETORIC

Almost unnoticed in the horrible tragedy at Virginia Tech was the presence of Nikki Giovanni, the decrepit leftist radical poet. She might have remained entirely unnoticed, were it not for two details. First was her reading of a poem at a memorial service for the victims of the tragedy. Her poem was a meandering screed, seeking to lessen the pain of the Hokies by making little jabs at the war in Iraq and US immigration policy.

The second detail was that the mass murderer, Cho Seung-hui, was a student of Giovanni's. In fact, Giovanni praised his poetry, saying "It was not bad poetry. It was intimidating." This, in Giovanni-speak, is high praise indeed.

Before we are subjected to the inevitible infusion of anti-gun mania in the debate surrounding "how could this have been stopped," it is worth looking at some statistics:

Number of Firearms in the US: 235,000,000
Number of Firearm homicides in the US (2004): 10,650.42
Firearm Homicides per Firearm Population: 0.0045%

Number of Nikki Giovanni Students: 100
Number of homicides commited by Nikki Giovanni Students: 32
Homicides per Nikki Giovanni Student Population: 32%

The Number of Nikki Giovanni Students cited above refers to an estimate of her students in one academic year. Since Seung-hui was not a current student of Giovanni's, a more generous estimate would be to allow Mizz Giovanni a total of 100 students per year for her 20 years at Virginia Tech. In such an analysis:

Number of Nikki Giovanni Students: 2000
Number of homicides commited by Nikki Giovanni Students: 32
Homicides per Nikki Giovanni Student Population: 1.6%

Note that this second analysis, while more generous to Mizz Giovanni, does not take into account other homicides by Giovanni students, and thus is a likely underestimate.

The results are clear. Even with the more generous student count afforded to Mizz Giovanni, you are 355 times more likely to be killed by a Giovanni student than you are by a firearm wielded by a non-Giovanni student. It's time to stop the madness and practice Nikki Giovanni control. This would consist of the following measures:

1. Immediate ban on having Nikki Giovanni on any campus, except in the physical control of law enforcement personnel.
2. Registration with a government agency of anyone who expresses interest in Giovanni as a teacher, poet, or activist
3. Background checks must be performed before any sale of a Giovanni product
4. "Giovanni Locks" - devices that can be affixed to Nikki Giovanni to keep her from accidental instruction
5. "Giovanni-free zones", set up in each city, preventing the entry of Nikki Giovanni into public places
6. Limited Capacity Giovanni: Nikki Giovanni would only be allowed to hold five words at a time.
7. Strict Regulation of poetry exhibitions or swap-meets in which Giovanni's works might be traded without being reported
8. Put an immediate stop to Giovanni traffiking on the internet

If the above measures are taken quickly, we can all rest easier.