The Great White Mallard: Chapter One: The Timmies

Sterquilinium

In a forgotton corner of Maryville, Tennessee, stood Timmy the Cow. Timmy was unconcerned that she was given a boy's name. In fact, Timmy was unconcerned about everything but protecting the herd. Timmy was a knuckler. And not just any knuckler, but the baddest-ass knuckler in Maryville... if you were counting only cows in your knuckler sample.

But there was another Timmy in Maryville, and this Timmy, while not a knuckler, was certainly no stranger to fisticuffs. This Timmy, being human, had more than one name (although, to be fair, Timmy the Cow was also known as Timmy Barnabas). Timothy Tyro Timmons hailed from Newcastle, UK, although he buried his Jeordie accent as deeply as Nancy Pelosi's conscience. Not even Timmy's wife Tyra knew he was a Brit. Tyra Timmons was Argentinian - in fact, a third cousin (twice removed) of Eva Duarte (on her mother's side). Consequently Tyra, though one would think her to be in a position to notice subtle variations in Timmy's accent, was deaf to the differences.

Timmy Timmon's route from Newcastle to Maryville was a long one. His father, Dr. Sigmund Timmons, was an earlier pioneer in bovine diseases. From the time Timmy was a toddler, his world was full of the mad mumblings of his father: mumblings about "Crater Hoof Disease," "Lulu's Lupus", and, most tellingly, "Mad Cow Disease."

Dr. Timmons had indeed stumbled early on the first instance of Mad Cow Disease, or MCD, as he often called it. And his horror infected his son in a deep and permanent manner. And thus when Lance Corporal Timmy Timmons of the SAS was deployed to the Falklands during the brief war with Argentina, he knew he was walking into the jaws of hell. For there was virtually nothing in Argentina except cows.

Timmy was a man of duty, though, and early in the conflict, he was able to operate with his squad in the sheep-infested regions of the Falklands themselves. Until one fateful night, when he was deployed on a mission to kidnap the American singing sensation Cindi Lauper, who was staying on her Argentinian ranch while she prepared a benefit concert for the Argentinian cause. By the end of that night, Lauper would be fleeing in tears back to America, Timmy would be AWOL with an Argentinian folk dancer named Tyra, and over 1,000 head of prime beef would be rotting in the Argentinian dawn.

But this escapade will have to remain untold for now, as will the tale of Timmy's unfortunate tenure as a convoy driver for the Bluebell Bus Company in Meigs County. For now we must return to Maryville, where Timmy Timmons was about to come face to face with Timmy the Cow.